Often, people will persist in being critical of their partners because they truly believe they are just trying to help them. However, there are usually deeper, more sinister, motives at work. Many people simply want to fix, change, or control other people. They want to make them over to fit their own image or change their behavior to comply with their own standards. While this is a very common and understandable human tendency, it is another key pattern that is destructive in our relationships.
Another common mistake people make is to store up their critical judgments, instead of voicing them openly. They keep finding fault with people they are related to, yet they don't let the other person know this directly. Then, they either "explode" with criticism over some minor event, or they turn off their affection and the relationship slowly dies.
A woman who recently consulted me for help with marital difficulties told me that her husband had suddenly announced that he wanted a divorce. Even though this couple had been married for twenty years and had raised four children together, the husband wanted out and couldn't be persuaded to change his mind.
When she tearfully asked him why, after all these years, he suddenly felt this way, he responded by saying, "I've never been happy living with you. I felt trapped and miserable right from the start." When he finally got around to telling her his feelings, too much damage had already been done.
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